The award-winning Ask Dr. Hal show is an interactive intellectual salon in which you, the audience, have the opportunity to consult the omniscient and oracular Dr. Hal Robins on life's eternal questions and trivial minutiae.

The show is set to the frenetic soundscapes of the SF Weekly's Best Audio and Visual Collagist, KROB, and the pertinent visual puns of Yo-Yo King David Capurro. All orchestrated and moderated from on high by surly showman Chicken John, former proprietor of San Francisco's infamous Odeon Bar.

ASK DR. HAL’s FIFTH COLUMN!

December 1st, 2008
  THIS WEEK:
UP FROM THE DEPTHS– KrOB
BRINGS YOU “WHEN GIANT
PREHISTORIC FISH ATTACK!”
Immense Carnivorous Subaqueous
Monstrosity Devours Helpless Men
–Just in time for the Holiday S eason!
Last week KrOB took us down to the Moon’s surface– and beneath it–
to reveal a bizarre biota of Moon Creatures, from hundred-foot-long
mandible-snapping caterpillaroids to intellectual insectoids. Who
knew, eh? This week we take a break from (exclusively) invertebrate
shenanigans to showcase exotic species once found on a certain
lost prehistoric island. First, swimming scorpiopedes, strange and
venomous aquatic centipede descendants, put in an appearance. But
this is only the “appetizer” to krafty KrOB’s “main course–” the horrible
ambush predator Piranhadon titanus, a freshwater fish as large as
some whales. You’ll watch in terrified fascination as its gigantic jaws
drag luckless sailors down to a watery doom. Those who may be overly
sensitive to such material are advised to turn away or shade their eyes.
It’s “showbiz” –pure entertainment — and it’s all happening right
here– at the famed
Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME “ALWAYS” BEGINS AT
     =9:00 PM=
WE MEAN IT THESE DAYS– WE REALLY DO…
THE SLAPDOWN
Admission to the Ask Dr. Hal! show in its newest form? That’s
                          $10 -ISH
                                               C  H  E  A  P  !
A donation to support the arts and our on-going
exposition, now in its 12th year of esoteric, recondite
entertainment. A regrettably unavoidable necessity in
turbulent times of economic convulsions and a harsh,
unforgiving fiscal climate. A vote of confidence, if you
will. Keep Chicken afloat. Support the Performing Arts
Community. Give what you can. And may the spirit of
charity dwell eternally in your heart. Now fork over,
cheapskate!
WE START…  WITH A CLASSIC CARTOON!
Just before each performance begins, we screen a great animated
cartoon– each one seven minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever
committed to film. Last week we showed the Bob Clampett 1944
WWII masterpiece, Russian Rhapsody, the only cartoon we know of
to star German dictator Adolf Hitler. Hit-larious! But now we’re going to
change our pace a bit for a pastoral interlude from the Walt Disney
studios back in 1937. On deck is one of the most intricate and beautiful
cartoons ever lensed, a film which itself represented tremendous forward
progress in the evolution of the animation medium– The Old Mill,
directed by Wilfred Jackson and released by RKO Radio Pictures (at
the time it was made Disney did not yet have his own distribution
company). It depicts a natural community of small animals near, and
populating an old, abandoned windmill, and what happens when a violent
thunderstorm strikes, almost destroying their habitat. Oh, if there were only
enough room in this space to write about these cartoons here as they
deserve! How we could go on about Disney’s invention, the marvelous
Multiplane Camera, first showed off to best advantage in this very film.
Multiplane shots allow the camera to track into the film frame
dimensionally, a neat trick when you’re actually photographing flat
drawings. And, this still-amazing film also incorporates realistic depictions
of animal behavior, complex lighting and color effects, representations
of rain, wind, lightning, ripples, splashes and reflections, not to mention
3-D rotation of detailed objects and the use of timing to produce specific
dramatic and emotional effects. Remember, this is an entirely hand-made
work of art, drawn by skilled animators a frame at a time and then
laboriously hand-colored over hundreds of hours by the women in the Ink
& Paint Department at the studio. As the seven and a half minutes of animation
rush by on the screen, the titanic effort it took to produce it is completely
concealed. Most remarkably of all, these were the same people who, a mere
9 years earlier had been drawing the herky-jerky Steamboat Willie (1928)
in which a sadistic Mickey Mouse twists the tails of various pigs, a cat and a
goat, and the neck of a luckless duck, to make music from their various
shrieks. Learning as they went along, these people invented animation.
They were the studio to beat in their day. Even Steamboat is a superior work
to what was being produced at the time by others. But The Old Mill is still a
masterpiece by any standards. In fact, it’s safe to say that it could not be
produced today, since, ironically, the skills needed to make it were lost as its
creators gradually died away. The lessons learned from making The Old Mill
would later be incorporated into Disney’s feature-length animated films,
especially 1937’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It’s all in gorgeous
three-strip Technicolor, as rich and beautiful as the day it was released.
The Old Mill won the 1937 Academy Award for Best Short Subjects:
Cartoons. And, in 1994 it was voted #14 of the 50 Greatest Cartoons of
All Time by members of the animation field. It is ranked at the
IMDb top short list as the 17th greatest short film ever, as of June 2008.
So join us this Wednesday night in time to catch up with another treasure
of your Nation’s vanished popular culture. Remember, our show will start
at the very moment the cartoon ends.
“The detail work is inspired… (m)ost unreservedly recommended.”
                                             Robert Reynolds, IMDB User Comments
GUESS WHO? FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! Before every show, by special
arrangement, the perennial protester/holy man, protest sign grasped firmly
in hand, the living institution after whose oracular rantings the late, great
12 Galaxies night club was named, will ascend the stage once again– and
deliver a rapid-fire, impassioned, incomprehensible bromide. You can take
that to the bank. Go, Frank! We’ve even got him answering questions!
DEFIANCE– RELIANCE ON SCIENCE!
ADH Science solon Pete Goldie has been providing breathless audiences
with images from NASA’s Cassini Probe, and the excitement was palpable
at last week’s show. Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of
the newest discoveries made in the Saturnian vicinity. It’s an exciting time.
Now astronomers looking at the spectacular supersonic plumes of gas and
dust shooting from Saturn’s shepherd moon Enceladus say there are strong
hints of liquid water, a key building block of life. These plumes, which
travel at an estimated speed of more than 1,360 mph, just might be ice
particles, not liquid. But such velocities strongly indicate the presence of
liquid in the eruption of the mysterious moon, one of 60 circling the giant gas
planet. In all likelihood, both ice particles and water vapor shoot from the
South Pole of Enceladus. Of course, Europa, a moon of Jupiter, may have a
liquid ocean beneath its frozen surface. But Enceladus is considered more
accessible. And Pete’s eager to tell you al-l-l-l about it. So travel with Pete,
our own Boffo Boffin, through the endless reaches of the universe in his
continuing segment, “Waste of Space.”
COMPUTER FREEBOOTER
David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro provides a running visual commentary as the
show progresses. He finds pictures on the Internet which resonate with…
whatever’s being discussed. This Wednesday, David again will be on hand,
serving up accompanying images (usually) scraped up from the benthic
bottom of the Internet. You might not think so, but the guy actually
practices some restraint on behalf of our show– as bad as what he usually
puts up on our screen is, he’s pullin’ his punches, folks– let’s just say, if he
wanted to, it could be worse– a lot worse. And tonight might be the night
he gives in to temptation. But see for yourself. As “Cappy’s” fingers fly over
the keyboard you will be unable to avoid the horrendous, stomach-churning,
hyper-pornographic results, on our
MULTIPLE MONITOR SCREENS
It’s a by-Our-Lady Multi-Media Experience, is what it is.
CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new
location: my living room. It’s 4 guys doing improv on 4 different
levels. It can be amazing.”
NOT A BAR
So there won’t be any booze for sale this time, OK? BRING YOUR OWN.
We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in
the traditional manner– with Fernet Branca, –the “Miracle Liquor.”
THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW - FEATURING FRANK CHU - CHICKEN JOHN -
DR. HAL - KrOB - PETE GOLDIE - DAVID CAPURRO - WITH SPECIAL
GUESTS THE “PO’BUCKERS”– DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO -
COME ALL, COME ONE, NEW SHOW, NEW RUN…

ABOUT KrOB AND GIANT TYRANNO-FISH

Sailors crossing a prehistoric swamp on improvised rafts are horrified when
out of the water suddenly come yard-long aquatic insects, Scorpiopedes
of the new family the Skull Island neopedes and the species Nepapede
harpagabdominus. These horrors climb right up on the rafts, brandishing
their shears-like mouth-parts and curling their venomous distal abdominal
segments. Intensely territorial, these unique arthropods actually only ate
algae but moved decisively against any intrusion into their watery world.
But… suddenly, they all jump off and swim away. Why? They know what’s
coming– something many times worse. A monster fish, the implacable
Piranhadon titanus, is hungrily heading for the intrepid band of explorers.
Objective: dinner. Again, lack of space forbids a thorough discourse on this
horrific carnivore, its unusual double-hinged jaws, its sexual dimorphism,
its huge, gaping head on its elongated, flexible neck, its weak (but
effective) vision, its two enlarged, vibration-sensitive barbels, even its
habit of beaching itself to allow various small birds and lizards to remove
its parasites in perfect safety. We can only say you wouldn’t want to be
in the water with one of these babies, no Sir or Madam. Man is the
prey. A KrOB edit on our giant screen. SEE Thompson machine guns fail
to stop the rampage of the living swamp demon. SEE it all in widescreen
color and stereophonic sound– HEAR the crunch of giant jaws and the
piercing screams of the doomed. Narrated by Dr. Hal. Scientific,
educational. You know the drill. Get set for the thrill…
SOCIAL NOTES
Once again, we decided to hold the curtain just a little for stragglers.
But even so, many came in too late to catch the cartoon. We know
what’s going on– some of you are trying to train us to start later.
Well, the only reason we allowed it this time was that it wasn’t a
school night– ’twas the Day Before Thanksgiving. We’ve got a lotta
show to do these daze & we’re starting earlier– ’round 9:00 PM or so.
So, don’t be too late, gate. Natch, not everyone was behind the curve–
fairly early came in Duncan D’nuts squiring inspiring dearie Alex
O’Leary. Ready Rick wuz on hand– OK, he lives there. But puissant
Puzzling Evidence, who came all the way over from Oaktown, sure
beat the crowd… Mr. & Mrs. Jim Khennedy paid us a visit, as did
ever-ready Ronn Rosen, who brought us a box o’ chocolates– actually
choklit-covered cherries (’twas Dr. Hal’s birthday, or actually 2 daze
before same)… No show could be complete without Gentleman Farmer
Paul Pot, whose generous donatives of Agricultural Samples always
give our post-show proceedings some moxie… Mr. Tom, Mike, David
Fine & matchless Madeline Boyne know what the show’s alla bout…
Ravishing Rusty Blazenhoff brought her Mom, & she brought delish-us
homemade cookies. Chocolates, cookies…! Y’know, sometimes this
Type II Diabetes thing is a real drag… Delectable Dawn Stott sent up
a musical birthday card, much appreciated even though cruel Chicken
ripped it up, trying to extract the singing chip… And the parade of
beauties wuz just getting started. There was no mistaking Loop!
Station’s resplendent Robin Coomer (a.k.a. Patsy McDonald) or
gorgeous Ena Dallas of the Xtra Action Marching Band Flag Team,
on the arm of “Romeo” Roky Roulette… Appealing Architecture student
seduisante Solar, a.k.a. Solar lab, graced us 4 a coupla minuteskis, but
then had to leave, 4 which we grieve… As for us, we plan to be there
for awhile. That’s right! Now that we’re booking the show ourselves, in its
own performance space, no harried rock club owner can “suddenly” recall
that one of our show dates is preempted by a thoughtlessly booked
Poofy Whiner Junkies concert, benefit for a Sexual Predator’s Bicycle
Mishap or other seemingly more profitable enterprise… It goes on the
boards every gol-durn Wednesday at 9:00 PM, and that’s all she wrote.
Here at Chicken John Productions we’re keeping in mind that some of you
have a need… to catch the la-a-a-st B.A.R.T. train at 12:17 AM from the 24th
St. Mission Station back to the wilds of the East Bay. Translation: these
days we start earlier. We really do. Ask anyone… And try to get there before
9:00 PM, wontcha, or you might miss the cartoon, invalidating all our work…
WILL WE BE BROADCAST ON PIRATE CAT RADIO?
If you see PCR’s own Dr. Monkey lurking around with a computer, a
microphone, and 50 yards of cable, he must be finally getting around to
capturing the show for broadcast on his station, Pirate Cat. But don’t hold
your breath. We guess it’ll happen some time. The plan is that these shows
will then be available to invalids and shut-ins. Thoughtful, eh? Meanwhile, the
PCR schedule on line is, to be blunt, not truthful about continuing to offer
the radio version of Ask Dr. Hal! For more than a month the station’s been
disappointing listeners– do we ever get the emails –by claiming we’re still on
at 10 PM Wednesday nights. We’ve made every effort to get them to stop
this, but they’re apparently just blowing us off. As a result, Chicken’s a hair’s
breadth away from permanently denying them the franchise. But, who knows?
Maybe they’ll make this unnecessary. If so, and we do let them broadcast
ADH, we’ll then provide advice, right here in this space, on what time to tune
your radio dial to 87.9 FM. We’re as anxious as you are to receive this
information. And, when we get it, we’ll pass it right along to you. ‘Nuff said.
AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS
View some of the hi-lites from last week’s show on You Tube,
courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken unfairly berate
KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than
usual in his meandering “answers” to several questions.
Just go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ey-D-k_vIe0&feature=email
See clips from November 19th’s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words. Go to:
         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlk8linoEs
The endless-seeming Election Period is now, at last, behind us. For
those who would like to indulge themselves in one final wallow, check
out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video
clip from the ADH Pirate Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete
“Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi
McTaint. Go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrfFcbcmo9I&feature=email
See you Wednesday night!

More News

ASK DR. HAL’S FOURTH DIMENSION!

November 26th, 2008
FOURTH SMASH WEEK!


ASK DR. HAL! Is Back–
WE’RE BREAKING ALL RECORDS!
WEDNESDAY, Nov. 26th!
It’s Time to Come and Visit a Popular Favorite Again
=====SEE OUR ALL-NEW STAGE========
The Fabulous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.
                        THIS WEEK:
CAN YOU HACK KrOB’S GIANT
LUNAR CATERPILLAR ATTACK?
Moon Megalo-lepidopteran Larva Lunges,
Lurches after Anomalous Astronauts
Just suppose the Moon is hollow, or at least honeycombed with tunnels
(Actually it is hollow; just ask Pete Goldie). Now suppose that in some
of these tunnels weird vegetation grows, a kind of giant fungus (since
such plants are not getting energy from sunlight). And suppose that there
in those caverns, eating those outsized fungi, are equally outsized life
forms resembling hundred-foot-long caterpillars, known familiarly as
Mooncalves. All right so far? Now let us suppose that two hapless
human explorers encounter a Moon Cow munching such a snack.
Then, almost immediately, they’re surprised (unpleasantly) by a Moon
Bull, an irritable, overly territorial male of the species. threateningly
bellowing and snapping its mandibles. What would happen? What
then? Well, Pilgrim, we know where you can go, and when, to find
out the answer.
Last week’s show featured KrOB’s thrilling footage of a pair of colossal
centipedes and their shenanigans on a lost, prehistoric island. But this
was still really just the infancy of a series which never flinches to provide
the entertainment value inherent in the presentation of outsized
arthropods. Those who may be overly sensitive to such material are
advised to turn away or shade their eyes. It’s “showbiz” –pure
entertainment — and it’s all happening right here– at the famed
Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME ALWAYS BEGINS AT
     =9:00 PM=
WE MEAN IT THESE DAYS– WE REALLY DO…
THE SLAPDOWN
Admission to the Ask Dr. Hal! show in its newest form? That’s
                          $10 -ISH
                                               C  H  E  A  P  !
A donation to support the enterprise, now in its 12th year.
An unavoidable, if regrettable necessity in turbulent times
of economic collapse and a harsh, unforgiving fiscal climate.
A vote of confidence, if you will. Keep Chicken afloat. Support
the Arts. Give what you can. And may the spirit of charity dwell
in your heart. Now fork over, cheapskate!
WE START…  WITH A CLASSIC CARTOON!
Just before each performance begins, we screen a great animated
cartoon– each one seven minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever
committed to film. Last week we showed Tex Avery’s great Warner’s
Merrie Melodies short, I Love to Singa (1936). What a great cartoon
–even Chicken liked it. This week’s cartoon was going to be shown
with the season in mind, but Dr. Hal and KrOB just couldn’t locate an
available copy, in time for our next show, of the overpoweringly
Thanksgiving-themed Tom Turk and Daffy (1939). You know, we
spend quite a lot of time selecting the cartoon which now opens each
show. Tom Turk and Daffy was our first choice, but no dice. So, we’re
back to what we originally announced we were showing anyway– back to
the anarchic Bob Clampett and his 1944 WWII classic, Russian
Rhapsody. We’re fanatical Clampett fans here at ADH, as readers of
this space are well aware. This cartoon features an unusual lead
character– yes, it stars none else than Adolf Hitler. So join us this
Wednesday night for this Hit-larious opening featurette, wherein the
German dictator attempts to fly his plane to bomb Moscow personally,
but is stymied by some odd-looking Gremlins from the Kremlin (heh,
heh, heh). Our show will start the moment after the cartoon ends.
“Aside from the tripped-out Clampett-esque effects, I also like the
‘Gremlins From The Kremlin’ song… it’s worth your time and money
to… try to track this cartoon down.”
                                                                 Angel-Marie, IMDB User Comments
DR. HAL’S BIRTHDAY
Two days after the show is Dr. Hal’s Birthday, November 28th. There
may creep in a birthday theme from time to time during the performance,
according to some members of the Ask Dr. Hal! team. This should not
greatly impact the shape of the evening, and will only provide more
opportunity for good fellowship, raillery, mirth and merriment. No one will
be required or encouraged to sing a certain overly-familiar tune, four lines
in length. But it is hoped that good wishes may be offered in situ.
GUESS WHO? FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! Before every show, by special
arrangement, the perennial protester/holy man, protest sign grasped firmly
in hand, the living institution after whose oracular rantings the late, great
12 Galaxies night club was named, will ascend the stage once again– and
deliver a rapid-fire, impassioned, incomprehensible bromide. You can bank
on it.
SCIENCE ON THE MARCH!
ADH Science expert Pete Goldie was indisposed last week, so we were
deprived of his tour through the starry heavens. But we promise he’ll be there
this week, leading loyal attendees through the endless reaches of the
universe in his continuing segment, “Waste(s) of Space.” Maybe this time
he’ll show us more from the Cassini-Huygens Probe’s newest roster of
discoveries. The roaming robot spacecraft actually completed its latest
flyby of Titan on Nov. 19, during the Ask Dr. Hal! Show itself, passing that
Saturnian moon at an altitude of 1,023 kilometers (636 miles). During the
close pass, the Visual and Infrared Mapping Spectrometer (VIMS) was
able, we hear, to image the region around the Huygens landing site at a
resolution of less than a kilometer per pixel. VIMS (and several other
instruments) also observed atmospheric composition and structure, while
Cassini’s fields and particles instruments focused on Titan’s interaction with
Saturn’s magnetosphere and the solar wind. So come here– and hear Pete
tell you a-a-l-l-l about it…
COMPUTER FREEBOOTER
David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro will be on hand, serving up accompanying
images (usually) scraped up from the benthic bottom of the Internet. You
might not think so, but the guy actually practices some restraint on behalf
of our show– as bad as what he usually puts up on our screen is, he’s
pullin’ his punches, folks– let’s just say, if he wanted to, it could be worse–
a lot worse. And tonight might be the night he gives in to temptation. But
see for yourself. As “Cappy’s” fingers fly over the keyboard you will be unable
to avoid the horrendous, stomach-churning, hyper-pornographic results,
on our
MULTIPLE MONITOR SCREENS
It’s a ring-tailed Multi-Media Experience, is what it is.
CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new
location: my living room. It’s 4 guys doing improv on 4 different levels.
It can be amazing.”
NOT A BAR, NOT A BAR
So there won’t be any booze for sale this time, OK? BRING YOUR OWN.
We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in
the traditional manner– with Fernet Branca, TM
–the “Miracle Liquor.”
THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW - FEATURING FRANK CHU - CHICKEN JOHN -
DR. HAL - KrOB - PETE GOLDIE - DAVID CAPURRO - WITH SPECIAL
GUESTS THE “PO’BUCKERS”– SPY, MOSES AND LUCKY - ROBERT
LEVY AT THE DOOR - DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO - COME ALL,
COME ONE, NEW SHOW, NEW RUN…

ABOUT KrOB AND GIANT MOON-BUGS

Last week KrOB brought to our big screen a skittering infestation of
agitated entomology as he featured, among the usual dinosaurs, not
one but two of the horrendous giant centipedes known as Megapede
dereponecis. This week he takes you literally out of this world to the
Lunar interior, where we encounter two more monstrous monster
myriapods. So you thought last week’s monster centipedes were a tad
outsized at 5 feet (1.5 meters long)? Get a load of the multi-leggers
he’s got this week– these un-Earthly crawlers average out at 100 feet
(30.5 meters) –with girth to match! Not Terrestrial organisms at all– they
are a different clay– these Moon calves are so large that even in the
Moon’s one-sixth gravity they need, and have (as we shall see) an
internal “skeleton” as well as their own version of the standard
arthropod chitinous carapace. They are grown as livestock, you know,
by the Moon’s inhabitants, or Selenites. Oh yes, we’ll see something of
them, too. Narrated by Dr. Hal. Scientific, cosmopolitan, educational. You
know the drill…
SOCIAL NOTES
We had to hold the curtain a little for stragglers, but the house for our
third outing was satisfyingly full, with old friends and new settling in
to take in the show. Tweak, Dylan, Benito Pasolini, Kneel Stephenson
(we get it) & Jeff Dommer got right into the spirit of things, lobbing
questions like long-time fellow-travelers… Gnarl Sagan wanted to know
what’s with the giant hexagonal Mystery Structure at Saturn’s North Pole;
too bad ADH Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie caught a bit of a bug and had
to stay home, but we did our best to respond… Mo Moreau was concerned
for the Future of Biotech (until we brought her some relief with our answer)…
Homey Holmes, Nacho Marx & Michael had some good ones… Rabbit
wanted to know when Planet X is expected to enter our Solar System. Are
you sure you didn’t mean the planet Mongo? That peripatetic planet travels;
Planet X doesn’t… We also noted The Dark Room’s own righteous
Rhiannon Charisse, in attendance with “supermom” meritorious Mable
Syrup… Point Arena’s poet Blake More paid us a visit with can-do swain
& quondam Odeon Cocaine All-Stars drummer Chris “Sticks” Campbell,
while Lloyd Mongoloid, another headliner, put in his appearance squiring
captivating consort Charlie… ADH also welcomed Zoli, a.k.a. Yoni
Wannaleiya of the famed Wink n’ Yoni Show; he brought along Kate,
which was great, and easy-on-the-eyes ravishing Rosanna Scimeca also
put in an always-welcome appearance… Power couple Dan Rathbun &
Nieves Hagmeier took in the show– most readers of This Space know
that for them the Blessed Event should be very soon (she’s got a (Rath)bun
in the oven… Natch, no show could be complete without Gentleman Farmer
Paul Pot, whose generous tithings of Agricultural Samples always rev up
our post-show proceedings. He never brings Canine American companion
Jabba any more, but maybe that’s just acknowledging that at the old
Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret the one & only Dammit the Wonder-Dog
rules the roost… Puzzling Evidence now makes a point of being there every
time & usually puts up You Tube excerpts of our show– see URLs below…
Kaptivating Kaye came to play, & that’s OK– so did torrid Tracy Feldstein,
straight from a Kaffee Klatsch with the redoubtable Rev. David Apocalypse…
Altogether a great bunch of guys & dolls… As for us, we plan to be there
for awhile. That’s right! Now that we’re booking the show ourselves, in its
own performance space, no harried rock club owner can “suddenly” recall
that one of our show dates is pre-empted by a thoughtlessly booked
Rutabaga Junkies concert, benefit for a Sexual Predator’s Bicycle Accident
or other seemingly more profitable enterprise… It goes on the boards every
Wednesday at 9:00 PM, and that is that. We at Chicken John
Productions are keeping track of the fact that there are those who need to
catch the last B.A.R.T. train at 12:17 AM from the 24th St. Mission Station
back to the wilds of the East Bay. Translation: these days we start earlier.
We really do. Ask anyone… And try to get there before 9:00 PM, or you might
miss the cartoon, invalidating all our work…
WILL WE BE BROADCAST ON PIRATE CAT RADIO?
If you see PCR’s own Dr. Monkey lurking around with a computer, a
microphone, and 50 yards of cable, he must be finally getting around
to capturing the show for broadcast on his station, Pirate Cat. The
plan is that these shows will then be available to invalids and shut-ins.
Thoughtful, eh? This space will provide advice on what time to tune in
to this radio broadcast at 87.9 FM. We’re as anxious as you are to
receive this information. And, when we get it, we’ll pass it right along
to you. ‘Nuff said.
AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS
View some of the hi-lites from last week’s show on You Tube,
courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken unfairly berate
KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than
usual in his meandering “answers” to several questions.
Just go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ey-D-k_vIe0&feature=email
See clips from November 19th’s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words. Go to:
         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlk8linoEs
The endless-seeming Election Period is now, at last, behind us. For
those who would like to indulge themselves in one final wallow, check
out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video
clip from the ADH Pirate Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete
“Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi
McTaint. Go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrfFcbcmo9I&feature=email
See you Wednesday night!

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ASK DR. HAL’s 2nd Helping!

November 11th, 2008

THE ASK DR. HAL SHOW IS NOW UP AND RUNNING!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12TH– SEE OUR ALL-NEW STAGE — It’s Time to Come to Visit a Popular Favorite Again — Chez Poulet Gallerty,

                                             3359 Cesar Chavez

(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

And this week we offer: KrOB’S GRUESOME GIANT SPIDER RAMPAGE!

Too Intense for most Arachnophobes — take warning!

Hairy, Bulging, Brobdingnagian Arachnid


Runs Amok, Wreaks Horrid Havoc

As if the unwelcome presence of a berserk mammoth-sized spider wasn’t
bad enough in and of itself, behold now how the Colossal Cob causes fatal
car wrecks and explosions as it skitters loathsomely about. Not to be
missed. Kompiled with… the “KrOB Touch!” What, we ask, could be more
horrible than an enraged 12-ton spider on the loose? Well, perhaps a lot of
things, but now KrOB’s traditional monster movie edit turns its focus this
week on the ever-present menace of giant spider attacks once again, dealing
with arachnids of absolutely elephantine dimensions. Watch closely and
shudder as its fangs peel the roof of a police car right off, so it can ingest the
luckless cop inside. Dr. Hal will narrate this scientific presentation.
Those who are sensitive to such material are advised to turn away or shade
their eyes. It’s all happening right here–

SHOWTIME 9:00 pm, ADMISSION $10 - ish

WE START…  WITH A CLASSIC CARTOON
Just before each performance begins, we screen a great animated
cartoon– each one seven minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever
committed to film. KrOB and Dr. Hal believe that these all-too-rarely
seen featurettes, part of our nation’s cultural heritage, deserve wider
exposure, greatly surpassing as they do the lug-headed mediocrities
of Hanna-Barbera and the limited horizons of the Cartoon Channel’s
contemporary hack-work. Last week we showed Bob Clampett’s 1940
Porky Pig epic, “Prehistoric Porky.” Wednesday we continue this new
Ask Dr. Hal! “teaser” with the showing of the Bugs Bunny Grand
Guignol masterpiece, “Hare Ribbin’” (1944) directed once again by the
superb Mr. Clampett. It has Bugs Bunny, but not the laid-back, gay
Bugs you may be familiar with from Chuck Jones’s overexposed late
Warner Bros. cartoons of the Fifties. We’re showing Clampett’s Bugs, so
be advised. He’s… not that cuddly.
There are two versions extant of this notorious cartoon, which is always
censored on TV when it’s shown. Actually they never do show it these
days. It’s too strong stuff for Planet America. But it’s funny– Lord, it’s
funny. At press time we still didn’t know if KrOB’s showing the version
that ends with the “Suicide gag” or the one that ends with the “Murder
gag.” Our show will start the moment after the cartoon ends.

 ”If there was an award for the most violent Bugs Bunny cartoon ever,
 I’ll bet Hare Ribbin’ would win it with no sweat.”
– JSmith, Cartoonz for U

GUESS WHO? FRANK CHU!
If he ever wanders far enough afield from his accustomed orbit in the
Upper Mission, perennial protester Frank Chu will be welcomed and
encouraged to say a few familiar words in way of benediction. Anybody
got his number?

SCIENCE ON THE MARCH
ADH Science expert Pete Goldie will lead attendees through the
endless reaches of the universe in his continuing segment, “Waste
of Space.”

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER
David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro will be on hand, serving up accompanying
images (usually) scraped up from the benthic bottom of the Internet.
As his fingers fly over the keyboard you will be unable to avoid the
horrendous, stomach-churning results, on

MULTIPLE MONITOR SCREENS
It’s a ring-tailed Multi-Media Experience, is what it is.

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new
location: my living room. It’s 4 guys doing improv on 4 different levels.
It can be amazing.”

NOT A BAR
So there won’t be any booze for sale this time, OK? BRING YOUR OWN.
We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in
the traditional manner– with Fernet Branca, TM
–the “Miracle Liquor.”

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW - FEATURING FRANK CHU - CHICKEN JOHN -
DR. HAL - KrOB - PETE GOLDIE - DAVID CAPURRO - WITH SPECIAL
GUESTS THE “RELATIVES”– SPY, MOSES AND LUCKY - ROBERT
LEVY AT THE DOOR - DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO - COME ALL,
COME ONE, NEW SHOW, NEW RUN…

WEB SITE
Visit www.askdrhal.com for more information than you need.

AND DON’T MISS OUR VERY SPECIAL GUEST PERFORMER–

ASBJORN GOTTFRIDSDOTTR - SWEDISH BREAKDANCER!

You’ll wonder how she does it–

SEE YOU THERE!



 

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Ask Dr. Hal! Postponed– Show begins 11/5/’08

October 28th, 2008

CHICKEN JOHN CITES “PRESSING CONCERNS”


Long–Running Popular Show Delays Re-opening
at Avant Art Gallery Space Until Following Week

SAN FRANCISCO - October 28th - After frenzied preparations, the long-anticipated
re-birth of the cult favorite, the Ask Dr. Hal! Show has experienced a last-minute
postponement of a full week, this space has learned just today.

ADH Science expert Pete Goldie relayed the sad news piercingly early this morning, as
groggy minds struggled to make sense of this unexpected, unwelcome development.
After nearly half a year on hiatus, as financial institutions crumble worldwide, traditional
venues experience a wave of closings and a worried public looks to new sources of
entertainment, the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) question-and-answer-science-night-club-show Ask Dr. Hal! had promised to resume its run, two days before the conclusion of the month-long festival of Halloween and in the shadow of a looming national election.
Unfortunately, Ringmonster and General Factotum “Chicken” John Rinaldi, preparing to return from a fact-finding junket to New York State, made an eleventh-hour decision to
suspend the resumption of Ask Dr. Hal! for one final week further, pleading exhaustion.
It was a bitter blow for those who have unceasingly labored to construct the all-new Ask
Dr. Hal! stage and re-fit the exciting new venue for the show, the prestigious Jean Poulet Gallery at 3359 Cesar Chavez (Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness.

KrOB “Crushed”

Ask Dr. Hal! Music and Video Director KrOB retreated to his Church Street adytum, clearly rocked by the news. This space has already previewed the inaugural “edit” the reclusive genius has prepared for the return of S.F.’s most recondite entertainment, the story of a friendless Venusian visitor to this planet, tormented by dogs, farmers and the U.S. Air Force in the Italian countryside. The lengthy clip with the “KrOB touch” was all ready to go, even incorporating a never-before-seen Dream Sequence featuring chickens, showgirls, rearing horses and other Freudian symbols. But this exciting video will still be shown next week in its entirety. For the time being, consolations can be sent to KrOB via his My Space page.

Chicken “Overwhelmed” by Marine Salvage Operation

Returning to the locale of “Swimming Cities of the Switchback Sea,” a.k.a. “Chicken’s Folly,” before heading to S.F. to resume the Ask Dr. Hal! Show, impresario Chicken John had intended to enact the concluding duties of that massive project, which earlier this year found him attempting to shepherd a flotilla of soi-dissant “Art Boats” down the length of the treacherous Hudson River from Troy, N.Y. to New York Harbor. Much has been related elsewhere of the adventures of that group, the collisions, swampings and sinkings, the unaccountable arrest, and even more unaccountable release, of Ben Burke and the attack by the New York Harbor Patrol on the valiant pioneers, not to mention the various and numerous physical injuries suffered by Chicken himself. But it seems the renowned showman found himself overwhelmed by the massive scale of the final phase of the project. “Do you know,” came the familiar, hoarse voice at the other end of the line, “that I gotta pull these !!@#&%?! boats outa the !!@#&%?! river all by myself, all covered with !!@#&%?! barnacles and slime? And now– it’s !!@#&%?! raining on me! No- wait, it’s actually !!@#&%?! hailing on me! !!@#&%?!”
Chicken had to cancel yesterday’s flight to S.F. and may be flying in tonight, though this
remains to be seen.

Dr. Hal Goes “Back to the Drawing Board”

ADH headliner Dr. Howland Owll has already begun work on re-formatting the show for its new opening date.
“We were preparing for a Halloween-oriented, pre-election presentation,” Dr. Hal relates.
“Now all that has to go by the board– no political humor, no skulls and other seasonal set
dressing– and of course, a completely different concluding poem. We have a week to get
it ready, though, and through the years in this business we’ve learned to roll with the
punches.
“Our main concern, though, is that some of our audience may go to 3359 Cesar Chavez on
this Wednesday hoping to see the show and be turned away. It’s important to get the word
out: Don’t go this week– come next Wednesday.”

All-New Stage

When that day arrives, visitors to the gallery will be surprised at its most recent re-configuration, including the massive new, high-tech Ask Dr. Hal! stage and seating area. Scientifically constructed by a crew which includes at least one top-flight scientist, the stage is built to survive earthquakes and other natural disasters. Among its features are such amenities as shag carpeting and a “cage” to contain the volatile KrOB.

Classic Cartoon will Open New Show

One thrilling new attraction to be offered by the newest iteration of Ask Dr. Hal! will be the pre-show screening of a different animated cartoon just before each performance begins, seven minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed to film. Part of our nation’s cultural heritage, these all-too-rarely seen featurettes deserve wide exposure, transcending as they do the limited horizons of Hanna-Barbera and the Cartoon Channel’s contemporary hack-work. KrOB and Dr. Hal have long believed that this material is ripe for a comeback. As fans of the great animation director Bob Clampett, they are proud to inaugurate this new Ask Dr. Hal! “teaser” with the showing of the Porky Pig masterpiece, Prehistoric Porky (1940). “Clampett keeps the action moving so that nearly
every scene is a hoot. I recommend it.” –Lee Eisenberg

Old Favorites Return

Long-time fans of the show will be pleased to learn that its time-tested format will be, to all intents and purposes, unchanged; astronomer Pete Goldie and computer whiz David “Yo-yo King” Capurro will still enact their usual parts. And, of course, KrOB will be on the job, presiding over the Synchtron 3000TM keyboard with his usual aplomb.

Multiple Monitor Screens

Among the newest technical innovations planned for this latest, ultra high-tech ultimate version of Ask Dr. Hal!, a number of screens are planned to expand the video projection element which has heretofore distinguished these improvisatory performances. Pre-show entertainment may include previews of future KrOB’s Film Farm outings, and much, much more. And of course, during the show, the beloved KrOB “edits” from obscure Monster Movies will shine as never before.

No Booze? B.Y.O.B. Recommended

A plethora of city codes and a mare’s nest of possible fines and zoning violations from a hyperactive, eager-beaver local government dictate our newest policy: where alcohol is concerned, audience members are encouraged to “bring their own.” Until certain pending legal issues are settled, no bar as such will be provided.

Every Wednesday, on into Futurity!

The most novel aspect of plans for the revived show is that there is not now any closing date planned or decreed. That’s right! Now that we can book the show ourselves, in its own performance space, no drug-addled rock club owner can “suddenly” remember that a show date is pre-empted by an Electric Rutabagas concert, benefit or other more profitable enterprise. It will play on Wednesdays at 9:00 PM, and that is that. Consideration will be given to those who must catch the last B.A.R.T. train at 12:17 AM
from the 24th St. Mission Station back to the wilds of the East Bay. Translation: we’ll be starting earlier.

How to Experience the Show Now

Ask Dr. Hal! will be available for the last time this week as a two-hour radio show on unaffiliated Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9 FM, Wednesday night from 10PM to Midnight. Usually present in the studio are Dr. Hal, Pete Goldie and KrOB. Multiple mystery guests have also appeared. An unlicensed, low-powered community radio station broadcasting on 87.9 megahertz to the San Francisco Bay Area, the Los Angeles Basin and Berlin, Germany, PCR will proudly present a live transmission of the stage show from November 5th onward. For now, tune in, or play any of six weeks of archived show on streaming audio by going to piratecatradio.com –and clicking on Ask Dr. Hal!
For an ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) video clip from the radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete Goldie and the appearance of special guests Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint, go to:

        Senator John and Sindi McTaint on Ask Dr Hal 8/20/2008

         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrfFcbcmo9I&feature=email

See you next week!

More News

ASK DR. HAL! is Coming Back Maybe For Good!

October 9th, 2008

ASK DR. HAL! IS COMING BACK—
MAYBE FOR GOOD!

Long –running Popular Show Finds New Venue at Avant Art Gallery

Watch for Announcements – October 29th is Kickoff Date

SAN FRANCISCO – October 5th — After nearly a year on hiatus, as financial institutions crumble worldwide, traditional venues experience a wave of closings and a worried public looks to new sources of entertainment, the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) Question-and-answer Science Night Club Show, Ask Dr. Hal! promises a return.
In this month of October, 2008, on Wednesday, the 29th, two days before Hallowe’en, those in the know will be making their way to the prestigious 3359 Cesar Chavez (Army) St. location for the return of S.F.’s most recondite entertainment.

All-New Stage

Visitors to the gallery will be surprised at its most recent re-configuration, including the massive new, high-tech Ask Dr. Hal! stage and seating area. Scientifically constructed by a crew which includes at least one top-flight scientist, the stage is designed to survive earthquakes and other natural disasters. Construction is still ongoing, and sources say that yet uninstalled features are to include such amenities as shag carpeting and a “cage” for KrOB.

Old Favorites Return

Long-time fans of the show will be pleased to learn that its time-tested format will be, to all intents and purposes, unchanged; astronomer Pete Goldie and computer whiz David “Yo-yo King” Capurro will still enact their usual parts. And, of course, KrOB will be on the job, presiding over the Synchtron 3000TM  keyboard with his usual aplomb.
Multiple Monitor Screens
Among the newest technical innovations planned for this latest, ultimate version of Ask Dr. Hal!, a number of screens are planned to expand the video projection element which has heretofore distinguished these performances. Pre-show entertainment may include classic cartoons of yesteryear, previews of future KrOB’s Film Farm outings, and much, much more. During the show, the beloved KrOB “edits” from obscure Monster Movies will shine as never before.

Dinner Theater a Possibility

The best brains down at Chez Poulet are studying the possibility of serving a meal during the show. Nothing, but nothing is too good for our patrons.
B.Y.O.B. Recommended
A plethora of city codes and a mare’s nest of possible fines and zoning violations from a hyperactive, eager-beaver local government dictate our newest policy: where booze is concerned, audience members are encouraged to “bring their own.” Until certain pending legal issues are settled, no bar as such will be provided.

Every Wednesday Into Futurity!

The most novel aspect of plans for the revived show is that there is not now any closing date planned or decreed. That’s right! Now that we can book the show ourselves, in its own performance space, no drug-addled rock club owner can “suddenly” remember that a show date is pre-empted by an Electric Baboons concert, benefit or other more profitable enterprise. It will play on Wednesdays (time to be announced later—watch this space) and that is that. Consideration will be given to those who must catch the last B.A.R.T. train at 12:17 AM from the 24th St. Mission Station back to the wilds of the East Bay. Translation: We’ll be starting earlier.

How to Experience the Show Now

Ask Dr. Hal! is at this time available as a two-hour radio show on unaffiliated Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9 FM, Wednesday nights from 10PM to Midnight. Usually present in the studio are Dr. Hal, Pete Goldie and KrOB. Multiple mystery guests have also appeared.
An unlicensed, low-powered community radio station broadcasting on 87.9 megahertz to the San Francisco Bay Area, the Los Angeles basin and Berlin, Germany, PCR will proudly present a live transmission of the stage show from the 29th onward. For now, tune in, or play any of six weeks of archived show on streaming audio by going to piratecatradio.com and clicking on Ask Dr. Hal!

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Ask Dr. Hal! # 9– OUR LAST SHOW of the Season!

April 25th, 2008

MONDAY, APRIL 28th, 2008!
The FINAL ASK DR. HAL Show!
WE’VE HAD A GOOD RUN… IT’S BEEN FUN… & NOW…
Are You ready for… KrOB’s Ultimate Edit— “Fear in the Fog”
a Monumental, Mighty Monster Mash-up?
AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken John, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu– & Mystery Guests! Catch us
ONE MORE MONDAY at 9:00 PM during APRIL!

(MARK YOUR CALENDAR!)

[ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ]
BUY a SIGNED PRINT of Dr. HAL ART
(All proceeds go to artist. Scroll to bottom of page.)

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 9 of 9
OUR LAST SHOW
O F T H E S E A S O N

Ask of me whatsoever thou wilt, and I will give it thee.
–Mark 6:22
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 28th) – The Ask Dr. Hal! Show, after eight memorable performances, has come to its last episode of the present run. The remaining time to experience the long-running night club stage sensation has dwindled to a single remaining opportunity to come see our concluding and greatest production– and behold a KrOB “edit” which nicely sums up his showcasing of all things monstrous and alien. KrOB, that reclusive and adroit manipulator of iconic vignettes mined from deep veins of cryptic popular culture, now lifts one corner of the veil to reveal the ultimate horror of the full-bore, chaotic Monster Apocalypse as a special feature for our audience. Intrigued? Our show is broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you want), but if you want to see, as opposed to just hear this incredible, horrible soul-freezing featurette, a staple of the oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian and Playboy Online), Ask Dr. Hal! show, you really owe it to yourself to toddle on down to 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attacks continues to the very end, gleefully presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. You better believe it. But, starting off…
FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with VIGOROUS, VACUOUS VERBOSITY!
What’s supposed to happen is that before every show, by special arrangement, perennial pest/holy man Frank Chu, protest sign grasped firmly in hand, the man after whose opaque rantings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and (figuratively speaking) shout his barbaric yawp, in the famous phrase. And if he shows up, you can absolutely depend on Frank to deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide, that is. This diatribe mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. At any rate, he’s often, of late, been a no-show. Will he be present for this, the last of these shows? It’s all in the lap of the Gods. Come see (and hear) for yourself…

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE SETS the SCENE!
Chicken John doesn’t pull his punches. The charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate (and future Supervisoral candidate), having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious, if tormented Tibet, starts us raucously rolling as he shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood, choosing his musings on life, strife, love, talk thereof, politics, parlor tricks and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE presents: MYSTERIES of UNKNOWN WORLDS!
Pete Goldie, a scientific Colossus, has his head in the clouds, even beyond them in the endless reaches of space –but his feet are planted firmly on the ground. Not an Astrologer, but an Astronomer (don’t let Chicken John pull your leg), he is an eager auditor of the evolution, physics, chemistry, meteorology, and motion of extraterrestrial objects & planetary bodies, as well as the formation and development of the universe itself. Did you know top N.A.S.A. scientists often attend our show (and/or listen to the live broadcast on Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9FM)? It’s true! Each of our shows traditionally begins with Pete’s segment: an illustrated recap of the actual latest findings of planetary Astronomy. But he’s, paradoxically, a down-to-earth kind of guy, who can tell you everything about the tiles on the Space Shuttle– and on your bathroom floor! Accompanied by his beloved, dangling model of the far-roving Cassini-Huygens Probe, Pete will zoom us (metaphorically) to (really) far-ranging land-and-space-scapes of outer Solar System Real Estate. The Cassini spacecraft, sports fans, is the first to explore the Saturnian system of rings and moons from orbit around that remote, giant gas planet. Pete’s been relaying its findings since Cassini entered orbit on June 30th, 2004– and immediately started to send him back intriguing images and data. The European Space Agency (ESA)’s Huygens Probe dove down, down into Titan’s thick atmosphere in January, 2005. The sophisticated instruments on both spacecraft are providing Pete (and our Ask Dr. Hal! audience) with vital data and the best views ever of this mysterious, vast region of our Solar System. So, remember when you view Pete’s monofilament-lofted model, lovingly crafted by Paul Pot, that the real Cassini-Huygens is an international collaboration between three space agencies. Seventeen nations contributed to building this spacecraft. The Cassini orbiter was built and managed by NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, while the Huygens probe was built by the European Space Agency. And the Italian Space Agency provided Cassini’s high-gain communication antenna. In addition to Pete, more than 250 scientists worldwide are studying the data streaming back from Saturn on a daily basis. Just part of our Show (a part which was the longest it’s ever been last time as Pete evinced unusual stamina). HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! As for Kogar the Gorilla, we make no promises here that we can count on the participation of that “Primate Prima Donna.” From all indications, the well-known thespian simian has probably made his last knuckle-walking bow on our 12 Galaxies stage.
DAVID CAPURRO EXPERTLY EXTRACTS RELEVANCY from the COMPUTER KEYBOARD—and brings back his BAG of YO-YO TRICKS!
Our very own dementedly devoted David Capurro, in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, Now “Cappy” vivaciously vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Wow! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but that’s showbiz.) SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: for our final performance, David has promised he will whip out his Yo-Yo—and treat everyone to an exhibition of Yo-Yo mastery which will be long remembered ever after…
“DR.” HAL: MERETRICIOUS MOUNTEBANK with QUESTIONABLE QUALIFICATIONS– or DIVINELY INSPIRED, OROTUND ORACLE?
Not for us to say. Questions answered— isn’t that the important thing? Your concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds. As for the legitimacy of his Doctoral credentials, the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon him, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon his completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. That should settle it.
KrOB KREATES final MONSTER ATTACK CLIP for the AGES!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, we beheld the onslaught of the Living Skeleton, a tautology given life if not made flesh. In a whirling, clashing display of supernal swordsmanship, the dead faced off against the living. This time we leave the Realm of Legend for an anxious time more closely related to our own, where monsters dwell and where creatures roam. An unnerving incursion into a terrifyingly uncertain scene, where hapless humans find their lives as cheap as those of the so-called lower orders, and pragmatic predators operate with draconian directness. Cool, eh? No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits”on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ will again comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, we are prompted to ask, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Think about it. Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
Ask Dr. Hal! was considerably enlivened by a surprise performance from the folks who brought you the Life-Size Game of Mousetrap at Burning Man and numerous other venues, thanks to mastermind manly Mark Perez & his mousetrap Myrmidons. An all-mouse-related, torrid Terpsichorean treat for the 12G audience employing elaborate props of giant cheeses provided a break from the usual question-&-answer, as slinky Spy & ravishing Rose, beauties of Burlesque, enacted a stylized synchronous dance routine during which the two lovely girls’ scanty costumes somehow became detached and fell to the floor, revealing their well-rounded charms to the delighted & appreciative crowd. From on stage we had an exceptionally good, close view of these goings on. Then, something for the ladies, as a brigade of Chippendale’s-style junkyard hunks invaded the stage. Pounding, pulsating Disco music blasted, the underdressed louts & oafs pranced and posed in multiple positions, smirking, rotating their hips & flexing their musculature as panicked homophobes fled in all directions… you never know what’ll be unleashed at one of our productions… We didn’t expect it… One surprise of the eve was the unexpected absence of Ringmonster & Show-host chucklin’ Chicken John. The Yeoman of the Showmen contracted a last-minute case of Epizootis & became too ill to perform. Luckily, Pirate Cat Radio’s own jaunty John Hell became available to fill Chick’s brogans—remarkable coincidence –as his own show at the station was cancelled. Mr. Hell has trod the boards with us before, under sim’lar circumstances, & we look forward pretty soon this year to a couple of iterations as Color Commentators for the Power Tool Drag Races (plug-ola!), 1st at the upcoming Maker Faire on May 3rd at the San Mateo Fairgrounds, then at good old Ace International Speedway this May 17th & 18th in San Fran-sissy-co. Another no-show was frantic Frank Chu, last seen hobnobbing on the Sassiety Page in the S.F. Chronicle w/ the so-called (ugh) “Swells.” Wottsamatta, Frankie, ain’t we good enough for you no more…? But we soldiered on…Despite running out of Question Slips early on (people wrote on bus transfers & napkins) we answered the queries of a good-sized crowd, bouncing back from our (comparative) attendance slump of last wk. & featuring such familiar fan faces as masterful Moss, radiant Rhiannon Charisse of Dark Room Theatre fame, & power couple heavenly Hallie McConlogue & comely Corey McGuire. Here’s more plug-ola: Dr. Hal will be marrying the two lovebirds at an outdoor public ceremony according to the principles of the Church of the SubGenius & the affiliated Universal Life Church, coming up soon at, again, the Maker Faire @ the San Mateo Fairgrounds. All audience members of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show are invited to attend, 2:30 Sunday May 4th as the vows are solemnized on the Balcony of the Neverwas Haul, the coolest of all Art Cars (since a rampaging Republican terrorist torched the land-going Galleon La Contessa). The Haul, a steam-powered Victorian house on wheels created by “Satan” Shannon O’Hare & kinky Kimric Smythe among others, will be newly re-fitted and looking better than ever. “Maker Faire is backing this whole thing, this crazy idea to the hilt,” enthuses hypostatic Hallie. “The marketing department loved the whole crazy story of our romance and how Corey won my heart. They gave us 100 free tickets. It also looks like there will be lots of media coverage. We also get to fire off the Life-Sized Mousetrap.” Love is in the air. So B there or B square, folks… Jewel-like Janay Growden, modest Mable Syrup, torrid Terri with squeeze Sherilyn Connelly, and comely Carinna, who lately took the waters with us at Delight’s Hot Springs on a recent Chicken John Bus Trip to the Mojave Desert were all on hand for our penultimate p’formance. So was jocund Josh the Orangebox Man, who we won’t be seeing again for at least a while—he’s also off for a life of wedded bliss, w/ fiancé sizzling Sarah Santos… Someone put a copy of Mr. Opp, a novel by Alice Hegan Rice, author of the immortal Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch, on my desk. Thanx, Somebody… And thanx to all who have been supporting us with weekly attendance. We hope to reward you with a last show to die for (tho’ that shouldn’t be, strictly speaking, necessary)…
ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! OUR LAST SHOW BEFORE OCTOBER!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
We still have 4 or 5…
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

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ASK DR. HAL # 8 - The Living Skeleton!!

April 16th, 2008

MONDAY, APRIL 21st, 2008!
The Penultimate ASK DR. HAL Show!
SEE the Fury of the Sword of the
I N C R E D I B L E
LIVING SKELETON!
AN EERIE INTERLUDE
The NECROMANCER’S VICTIM BROUGHT
BACK from the DEAD to ATTACK & DESTROY!
AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken John, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu– & Mystery Guests! Catch us
TWO MORE MONDAYS at 9:00 PM during APRIL!

(MARK YOUR CALENDAR!)

[ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ]
BUY a SIGNED PRINT of Dr. HAL ART
(All proceeds go to artist. Scroll to bottom of page.)

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 8 of 9

I will ask thee a thing; hide nothing from me.
Jeremiah 38:14

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 21st) – The Ask Dr. Hal! Show now launches its next to last show of the present run. Two more performances in April will conclude this current iteration, the next not to be seen until (possibly) far October (but, who knows?), so the time to experience the long-running night club stage sensation is dwindling fast. Come this playdate– and behold a KrOB “edit” which continues his showcasing of ancient magic and mystery. KrOB, that reclusive and adroit manipulator of iconic vignettes mined from deep veins of cryptic popular culture, now wanders even farther into that hitherto ungleaned demesne, the Realm of Legend, with the story of… The Living Skeleton! (No, anorexia fans, this isn’t about some runway fashion model.) KrOB’s Klip concerns a fell sorcerer’s last, desperate gambit—the nadir of Black Magic’s evil purposes: the re-animation of the dead. Intrigued? Our show is broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you want), but if you want to see, as opposed to just hear this incredible, soul-freezing featurette, a staple of the oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian and Playboy Online), Ask Dr. Hal! show, you really owe it to yourself to toddle on down to 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attacks continues, gleefully presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. We kid you not. But starting off…
FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with VACANT, VERBOSE VOLUBILITY!
Before every show, by special arrangement, demon-haunted holy fool Frank Chu, a man on a mission (and in the Mission), protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will (if he can remember to show up for his performance) ascend the stage and deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide which hurts the mind to try to follow. This strange, monotone-voiced tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? In “Bob” Dobbs’s” Name, let’s hope not. This prelude is our Invocation to Unknown Gods—just in case. Then…

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE LAYS the KEYSTONE!
The charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate (and future Supervisoral candidate), having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious, if tormented Tibet, builds our foundation as he shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood, choosing his musings on life, strife, love, talk thereof, politics, parlor tricks and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE’S ASTOUNDING ASTROMICAL ASTUTENESS ASTONISHES!
Pete Goldie will get right out there on stage and start showing (with the collaboration of dashing Dave Capurro (see below)) a slide show, accompanied by his crowd-pleasing lecture, of incredible, newly discovered anomalies and curiosities of the far reaches of our good old Solar System. A welcome appetizer to the main course, to satisfy even jaded palates. Accompanied by his beloved, dangling model of the far-roving Cassini-Huygens Probe, Pete will zoom us out of the sticks (Earth’s Gravity Well) into (really) far-ranging land-and-space-scapes of outer Solar System Real Estate. The Cassini spacecraft, sports fans, is the first to explore the Saturnian system of rings and moons from orbit around that remote, giant gas planet. Pete’s been relaying its findings since Cassini entered orbit on June 30th, 2004– and immediately started to send him back intriguing images and data. The European Space Agency (ESA)’s Huygens Probe dove down, down into Titan’s thick atmosphere in January, 2005. The sophisticated instruments on both spacecraft are providing Pete (and our Ask Dr. Hal! audience) with vital data and the best views ever of this mysterious, vast region of our Solar System. So, remember when you view Pete’s monofilament-lofted model, lovingly crafted by Paul Pot, that the real Cassini-Huygens is an international collaboration between three space agencies. Seventeen nations contributed to building this spacecraft. The Cassini orbiter was built and managed by NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, while the Huygens probe was built by the European Space Agency. And the Italian Space Agency provided Cassini’s high-gain communication antenna. In addition to Pete, more than 250 scientists worldwide are studying the data streaming back from Saturn on a daily basis. Just part of our Show. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that justly celebrated goofball auteur, but we make no promises here. They both won’t be with us until the end—for at least one of that anarchic pair, this will be his last bow on our 12 Galaxies stage.
DAVID CAPURRO EXPERTLY EXTRACTS RELEVANCY from the COMPUTER KEYBOARD—and brings back his BAG of YO-YO TRICKS!
Our very own dementedly devoted David Capurro, in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and a stage or two (or three, or thirty-three). Now “Cappy” vivaciously vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Gadzooks! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but that’s showbiz.) SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: for these final performances, David will break out his Yo-Yo—and treat everyone to an exhibition of Yo-Yo mastery which will be long remembered ever after…
“DR.” HAL: QUERULOUS QUACK with QUESTIONABLE QUALIFICATIONS– or DEMONSTRATEDLY DYNAMIC DECLAMATOR?
Not for us to say. Questions answered— isn’t that the important thing? Your concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds. As for the legitimacy of his Doctoral credentials, the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon him, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon his completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. That should settle it.
SKELETON WARRIOR’S SWORD serves SORCERER’S sinful SCHEME!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, we beheld the dragon Magog, thrall of Sokurah the Necromancer on the cryptic Island of Colossa, break free from his chains and savagely battle a huge, grotesque Cyclops. This time we see that malevolent mage at his very worst, performing the supreme spiritual crime of Necromancy. The treasures of Colossa Island, on whose shores many vessels were wrecked, attracted many would-be finders, but few returned from its monster-haunted shores. Once, a Hero, one of the greatest swordsmen of his time, had attempted to pilfer Sokurah’s greatest treasure, the Lamp of Barani. But in this he failed, and the evil magician, triumphing, hung up the defeated warrior’s skeleton in his underground castle’s laboratory. But one day, as usually happens, inevitably a greater Hero came, and began to leave with the Lamp tucked into his sash. It was then that Sokurah exercised the full extent of his malefic power, causing the dry bones to live again. The Reaver’s spirit, not allowed the peace of his lawful eternal rest, and in new thrall to Sokurah, seized a sword and shield from the stone wall of the castle– and his grinning skeleton advanced on Sokurah’s new adversary, for a battle to– and beyond– Death. Cool, eh? No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits”on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ will again comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, we are prompted to ask, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Think about it. Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
Ask Dr. Hal’s 7th voyage took a while to launch. Oh, we were all ready, but as so oft happens, the audience didn’t meander in until almost ten PM. When they come in early, we can start early; it’s that simple– but this time—no dice. Too bad, too, since we could have gone longer. But maybe it was for the best, since so many of the questions this time were of a pronounced Low Comedy origin, all about farts, turds & what have you. We’ll answer ‘em, & it’s our job to make it entertaining, but sometimes it’s a rough slog. Still, we did have some good questions, and the crowd included some of our favorite people: ravishing Robin Coomer of Loop Station, slinky Sonjia Miles a.k.a. the Holy Hemptress who helped set out our late-arriving question slips, the Dark Room Theatre’s sizzling Sherilyn Connelly, maven of their Bad Movie Night (plug-ola!) with g.f. the tempting Terri, peripatetic Puzzling Evidence, radiant Rhiannon Charisse (& from the stage we heard the unmistakeable laff of her mom, marvelously mad Mable Syrup), & ADH stalwart puissant Paul Pot w/ ever-present cavorting canine companion jocose Jabba, & manic Moses, who was there when the lights went out… Jocund Josh the Orangebox Man was still around—enjoy him while you can, folks; he’s headed any day now for woods & pastures new, not to mention the arms of fiancée Colombian cutie stellar Sara Santos… Pedantic Pete Goldie showed off some great & intriguing views of distant worlds (that’s what we [don’t actually] pay him for) & then had to deal once more with that ??!!@#$%! frantic Fozzmo the Clown & his gorilla-suited stooge. Where was Security—missing in action yet again? At least our usual mind-breaking Special Effects are being expertly helmed, as usual, by gagmeister Gabe… Our Host Robert Levy decorated the mahogany for a few imbibers, but we repeat: drink more alcohol! Follow the example of diligent David Capurro & krazy KrOB, get plastered, even, but, c’mon, order from the bar, ADH fans. The house will thank you, chortling Chicken will thank you… Remember, the measure of our success is tied, like it or not, to booze sales at these shows. So march up to the bar & lay out some coin for some Dutch Courage, and we might even be asked to come back to 12G when this run’s over… ‘Twas refreshing to see beauteous Barbara Manepudeam, out clubbing w/ foxy Fan Ameke, & where was the latter’s b.f. Anthony Phoer? La ronde ever continues on the Blvd. of Broken Dreamz… Bold Blue showed, as did the redoubtable Rathbuns, Nieves & Dan, admirable Adriane & trusty Tomas… Alluring Alison Gerlach proved to be a good sport, sports fans, when she aced the Fernet/Whipit Challenge, even as gone gosling Gabe poured on the (very) Special FX… The show was a homecoming for many of us. Over that weekend we’d traveled far, a busload of roisterers on the annual Amargosa Opera House/Mojave Desert/Delight’s Hot Springs trip, but most of our pals from that Chicken John Odeon Applause Bus junket were apparently too tired out, still, to show their faces. Even Dammit the Wonder Dog… Maybe next week we’ll see some of ‘em… We do have some surprises plann’d. What “surprises?” Come & find out. If we gave away the store here, it wouldn’t be a surprise now, would it?

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! A GORILLA SUIT! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY TWO SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

More News

Ask Dr. Hal # 7 - Dragon versus Cyclops!

April 9th, 2008

MONDAY, APRIL 14th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
DRAGON vs. CYCLOPS –
BATTLE of IMPROBABLE MONSTERS!
—WHO WILL WIN?
AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken John, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests! Catch us
EVERY MONDAY at 9:00 PM during APRIL!

(MARK YOUR CALENDAR!)

[ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ]
BUY a SIGNED PRINT of Dr. HAL ART
(All proceeds go to artist. Scroll to bottom of page.)

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 7 of 9

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
–TRADITIONAL

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 14th) – The Ask Dr. Hal! Show continues into April with a KrOB “edit” well in line with the previous entries in the series, yet also something never tried until now. That reclusive and adroit manipulator of iconic vignettes mined from deep veins of cryptic popular culture, KrOB now crosses farther over into a hitherto unprospected demesne, the Realm of Legend, with the story of the last moments in the lives of a satyr-like Cyclops and his adversary, a hundred-foot-long flightless, fire-breathing Dragon. True, he showed (and may again) the depredations of dragonish creatures invading our modern world (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. VIII, No.1) but this time we indulge in more than such playful surrealism. Our show is broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you want), but if you want to see, as opposed to just hear this incredible, lovingly retrieved featurette, a staple of the oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian and Playboy Online), Ask Dr. Hal! show, you really owe it to yourself to toddle on down to 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, gleefully presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. But starting off…

FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with ORACULAR ORATION!
Before every show, by special arrangement, gadabout gadfly/holy man Frank Chu, a man on a mission, protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide which hurts the mind to try to follow. This strangely laid-back tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Oh Lord, let’s hope not. This prelude stands in relation to our show as an Invocation to the Olympic Gods did in the days of Ancient Hellas. And we’re hella glad to showcase Frank as part of our programme, heh, heh. Then…

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE NAMES the NAMES and RAKES the MUCK!
The charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate (and future Supervisoral candidate), having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious, if tormented Tibet, starts us rolling as he shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood, choosing his musings on life, strife, love, talk thereof, politics, parlor tricks and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE’S STERLING ASTRO-SCIENCE SIDELIGHTS!
Pete Goldie will get right up on stage and start showing (with the collaboration of dashing Dave Capurro (see below)) a slide show, accompanied by his crowd-pleasing lecture, of incredible, newly discovered anomalies and curiosities of the far reaches of our good old Solar System. A welcome appetizer to the main course, to satisfy even jaded palates. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that justly celebrated goofball auteur, but we make no promises here. They kind of do what they want to do…

DAVID CAPURRO EXPERTLY EXTRACTS RELEVANCY from the COMPUTER KEYBOARD!
From two-bit, pee wee, tank town, rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (that’s us), our own dementedly devoted David Capurro, in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and a stage or two (or three, or thirty). Yes, “Cappy” vivaciously vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, What the–?! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but that’s showbiz.)

“DR.” HAL: DISSEMBLING, DOUBLE-DEALING DUFFER with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or DEMON-HAUNTED DYNAMO of DECANTATION?
Not for us to say. Questions answered— isn’t that the important thing? Your concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds. As for the legitimacy of his Doctoral credentials, the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon him, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon his completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. ‘Nuff said.

WAR of the GIANTS— CYCLOPS vs. DRAGON in BATTLE ROYAL!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, inordinately large alien hunting spiders, along with other critters too outré to classify, made (not too-) mercifully short work of ordinary, tax-paying American consumers in a fog-shrouded convenience store parking lot. It was really something to see these Joe Lunchpail types fall to the chelicerae of aggressive, hungry and relentless 600-pound scuttling mega-spiders. Not to mention 4-story mantises and other unexpected predators, escapees from an exo-plenum. But now we’re going to see something he’s long wished to present. We will see the dragon Magog, thrall of Sokurah the Necromancer on the cryptic Island of Colossa, break free from his chains and savagely battle a huge, grotesque Cyclops. This time the monsters don’t attack humans. They’re too busy attacking each other! Space is limited here– let’s just say that this spectacular, green fire-breathing dragon, who guards his evil lord’s cavern against the incursion of satyr-like one-eyed giants, simply loses it when one of the latter actually has the temerity to stride right into the cave. The fight that follows beggars description.
The Cyclopes, or single-eyes, were originally the offspring of Elder Gods Gaia and Uranus and served (under Hephaestus) as the inventive blacksmiths of the Olympian gods. They were skilled metal workers and created Zeus’s thunderbolts, Poseidon’s trident, and Hades’s Helmet of Darkness that was later used by Perseus while on his quest to decapitate the Gorgon, Medusa. When the universe came into being, there were many monsters and vague forms that were gradually replaced with beings with forms more human. The second generation of Cyclops was comparatively degenerate, however, anthropophagous island-dwellers who were the offspring of Poseidon and the sea nymph Thoosa, ignorant shepherds who had lost the secrets of metallurgy. In the third generation, they had even lost the power of speech, though they preserved and used furniture and accouterments from their superior progenitors. These latter giants had reverted to a satyr-like configuration, the cloven hoofs and shaggy limbs supporting a quasi-reptilian, humanoid torso. Their huge heads bore one or two horns.
As for the Dragon Magog, a somewhat sympathetic figure, whose crystal egg was found and retrieved by the wizard Sokurah from ancient China, two hundred years previous to when we see him, and who was kept ever afterward as the Magician’s slave, his underground captivity eerily prefigures the imprisonment of Satan in the Book of Revelation. He’s called a dragon too. Cool, eh? No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits”on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ will again comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, we are prompted to ask, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Think about it. Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
It wouldn’t be a show without jolly Josh the Orangebox Man, who it seems is always somewhere about when we do our stuff. Sadly, This Space must now announce that fairly soon he’ll be leaving us… for good. It’s all good for Josh, at any rate, who will be permanently moving to NYC (on April 22nd) just in time to miss the very last ADH show on the 29th (& wotta show that’s gonna be! Mark your freakin’ calendars!) But (as usual) we digress. It’ll be good for the Boxman because… [drumroll] in the Big Apple on May 4th he will wed his sweetheart, Colombian cutie Sara Santos. But the lovebirds won’t be building their nest in rocketing real estate-challenged S.F. any time soon, we hear, but– who knows? P’rhaps the happy couple’ll favor us sometime with a visit… Dynamic Don Bruce, a Patron of the Arts, took in our Show w/out main squeeze torrid Tracy Feldstein. We forgive you this once, Tracy—just don’t let it happen again, savvy? Daring Don, by the way, is (distantly) related to Dr. Hal, dontcha know. We both share a family tree which counts as an ancestor the redoubtable Robert Bruce of bonnie Scotland, victor in the epic Battle of Bannockburn. Another progenitor of ours, just between you, us & the gatepost, is that Thane of Fife known as MacDuff. Ye know him then, laddie? –the one who killed the malign MacBeth—the only swordsman who could slay that evil king who could only be done in, remember, by one “of no woman born,” since ol’ MacD was, as they say, “from his mother’s womb untimely ripp’d.” But enuff of yesterday’s newspaper…Journeyman Janor Hypercleets, a.k.a. Mister TV, paid us a visit. He’d like to be a Supporting Act for us during this run. How about it, Chicken? Well, KrOB wuz on the job w/ his gory Giant Spider edit & his incomparable musical meanderings, while Sound God Gabe kept the wow & flutter to a minimum… Jaunty Jeff Grove, the un-crabby cabby, showed up, and brawny Brian Doherty wuz also in the house. That selfsame scrivener, author of This is Burning Man (plug-ola) is now churning out another tome. Scribble, scribble scribble, eh, Brian? There wuz no mistaking kurvaceous Krista Avril Bray, tempting Ty McKenzie & a bevy of other beauties, incl. joyous Janay Growden (who couldn’t keep her hands off handsome Harrison, the lucky dawg), & The Dark Room’s own radiant Rhiannon Charisse. Regal Rhiannon’s mom Cheryl, a.k.a. mesmerizing Mable Syrup wuz also on hand to lend us moral support. Hardy Hallie McConlogue showed up, the guy who’s forthcoming wedding (to the captivating Corey) will be p’formed—Flash! –on May 4th at this year’s Maker Faire out at the San Mateo County Fairgrounds. The plan is that these nuptials will be solemnized on the Neverwas Haul, coolest vehicle at Burning Man & elsewhere (since the burning of the lost La Contesssa, that is). The brainchild of krazy Kimric Smythe and ever-stalwart Shannon O’Hare, the Neverwas, a steam-era Victorian house on wheels (yes, Pilgrim, you read it rite) oughta make a great place to tie th’ knot. Who’ll be officiating? Your own Dr. Hal, that’s who… Peripatetic Paul Pot w/ careening canine companion Jabba made the scene, & we noted that galivanting gadabout power couple, Sherrilyn Connelly w/ squeeze Terri… Flash! If you like puppets, miniatures & Godzilla movies (& who doesn’t?) you owe it to yourself to take in a great interactive show now running (opened April 3rd) @ Cellspace, the work of resplendently radiant Robin Frohardt of Runaway Truck Tramps fame. It’s…Cardboard Town! An amazing miniature construction of an elaborately detailed, all-cardboard city! Here’s the scoop: Friday, April 18, 8pm-til’ late: “End of the Ages,” a Warning for our Time. Closing Apocalypse and Rebirth Party, DJs, Superheroes vs. The Monsters—it’ll all be there. Unleash your inner Godzilla. Movie making, puppet theatre & unspecified surprises. It’s all Free! Tho’ why it shd. be free is still a mystery (to our befuddled noggin), since it’s a fun(d) raiser for Cell Space. We useta perform there, in the longago, doing many of Chicken’s Game Shows. But they kicked us out, folks. Something about how Chicken’s shows unleashed too much raucous “negative energy.” And they replaced us with… Yoga. Go figger… But, no hard feelin’s—if you went, back then, to see us there, now go there again for music, drinks, and (on the last nite) the costume dance party! From the folks who brought you the Apocalypse Puppet Theatre—and that too will be there for a Performance. Visit www.cardboardinstitute.com for more images and information. Go check it out @ Cell Space, 2050 Bryant Street rite here in good ol’ San Francisco, CA (more plug-ola). All in all, everyone wuz satisfied after last Mon.’s show. Everyone, that is, but righteous Robert Levy, our Host at 12 G. If you pikers’d only buy more liquor, he’d be way happy. And when he’s happy, we’re one happy chappy…

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! A GORILLA SUIT! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY THREE SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

More News

Ask Dr. Hal # 6: SPIDERS EAT SHOPPERS!

April 2nd, 2008

MONDAY,
APRIL 7th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
CONVENIENCE MART CARNAGE
of the STUPENDOUS SPIDERS!
—RUN GALLOPS ON AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM
during APRIL!) MARK YOUR CALENDAR!

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 6 of 9

The Retort Courteous; ….the Quip Modest; …the Reply Churlish… the Reproof Valiant; …the Countercheck Quarrelsome; …the Lie Circumstantial; …the Lie Direct.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
[1564-1616]
As You Like It, Scene IV, Line 75

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 7th) – The first Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the new month of April, broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you will), oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian), burbles up through the repressed psychic substratum of contemporary consciousness in one unstoppable volcanic blast as, in its next iteration, a mind-breaking KrOB “edit” details a deadly confrontation between outsized arachnids from an alien plenum and hysterical, fleeing humans, their prey, in a convenience store parking lot. Horrible, giant exo-spiders reap their humanoid harvest supper. Could it happen here? Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adroitly presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. And that ain’t easy…

FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with ADDRESS to the POPULACE
Before every show, by special arrangement, gadabout gadfly/holy man Frank Chu, a man on a mission, protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and (figuratively speaking) warn, comfort and command, in Wordsworth’s famous phrase. You can absolutely depend on Frank to deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide, that is. This strangely laid-back tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. Come see hear, and decide for yourself…

CHICKEN JOHN’S traditional MONOLOGUE, a PHILOSOPHICAL INTERLUDE ANTICIPATED by ALL
Having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flun